Today I received 7 pills of adderall. I haven't taken uppers in a long time but as I recall I very much enjoy them. So tomorrow I plan on taking at least one of them and see where that takes me. I had sushi today. I LOVE sushi. I purged it. Sushi is by far the worst thing I have ever purged. I didn't even purge all of it... And I only had two rolls. I had the taste of fish in my mouth for hours after. I had some coffee and it helped a little. I wasn't at a place where I could brush my teeth and I'm not a huge purger anyways. I feel bad because I have been really thinking about my eating and weight lately. I feel like it will NEVER leave me. I was doing so well for at least a year now. I have been eating like a normal person and feeling okay about my body. But now it has all caught up with me and I'm feeling awful and FAT. I know I'm not even 10 pounds close to my highest weight.... and even then I wasn't (technically) overweight. I just feel like I'm going to fall back into a torturous cycle of obsession over my weight and eating. What is wrong with me??! People tell me I have such a great body all the time. I don't understand what my obsession is with being so tiny. PLEASE someone tell me what is going on!! I want to take so many drugs right now! I also smoke cigarettes too much. I went 5 days without smoking and tonight I started drinking so I bought a pack. But I'm happy I went 5 days without any cigarettes. It makes me feel like I CAN quit for good.
Off topic, (is any of this really on topic?) I have started to get my period later and later each month. I'm not on birth control but I am sexually active... I never have had a scare, like I was pregnant. Honestly I don't think I can get pregnant because I have had sex too many times without birth control and have never gotten pregnant thank god because I do NOT want to go threw that. I would have an abortion which would inevitably be extremely difficult mentally and physically. Anyways... My period use to come pretty regularly but these past few months it has come a week later each time. Like a 40 day cycle or something? I'm not sure. I told my mom about it and she basically said I was probably dying... As she usually does.. About everything. I'm just a little worried because I know it can be a sign of illness. But I feel like my hormones are just going a wire. A week before I get my period I can feel it coming. I have bad cramps and I am EXTREMELY edgy. I'm angrier then ever. I usually just get sad.. But lately I have been filled with rage! I've also been having acne break outs. Which is embarrassing. I like being pretty. And I usually feel pretty, but having these break outs makes my head hang in shame. I literally always have my head hanging down.... I really dont even have that sever of break outs.. But I just feel awful with the few blemishes I have now. I think it's mostly due to hormones. Uhg!!! I don't even know if I really want to relate with people. I guess I do since im publicly posting this. Regardless, I just had to write things down!
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